Boku wa Koko ni Iru: I am Here
by Makai Tenshi
Summary: Spinoff of the BlueBird's Illusion storyline: Pride Ending. Alphonse's new body isn't what it was supposed to be. Ed is willing to sacrifice anything to fix it... even himself. But Equivalent Trade knows no bounds... Angst, Oneshot, AU.


**Boku wa Koko ni Iru : I am Here**

By: _Minuiko_

&

The blond-haired boy tapped at his open book impatiently, golden eyes poring over the words, body oblivious to anything that might disturb his intent study. His younger brother made a slight noise as he shuffled quietly on the bed, a long, red jacket draped over the covers beneath him and serving as a crude sort of pillow. He cracked open his eyes and sighed, feeling the silky texture of the cloth below him. At length, he murmured in an awed voice, "I can't get used to being able to touch things and actually feeling them… Nii-san…?"

The older boy didn't answer, just turned towards the only bed in the one-room apartment in acknowledgement and returned to his book, his eyebrows furrowing in concentration. Alphonse's lips twitched, turning into a fond smile— /_nothing's really changed/—_ as he decided not to disturb his brother. He dragged his body off the bed leg-first and stretched. Then he opened the curtains— he appreciated the fact that Edward was trying to let him sleep, but he didn't want his brother to ruin his sight by studying in the dark— and stood, arms spread wide before the sun.

Ed's head snapped up at the sudden brightness in the room, blinked, and shielded his eyes, complaining, "Why do you have to do that every morning?"

Al gave him a wry grin and replied, "To make sure that the sun doesn't rise without us."

Ed smiled back at his brother, announcing, "You're such a sap, Al."

Alphonse beamed. "Yes. I know."

&

The day had gone perfectly up till then, or as perfectly as Alphonse could imagine. Before, he'd occasionally brood about why his brother's transmutation wasn't perfect, about why Ed still had his automail parts, about why his own body felt weak at times, like it was _incomplete_, like it wasn't _real_, but those moods would quickly pass and he could concentrate on being there for his brother and cooking dinner and enjoying the feeling of being needed.

That day was a holiday, and he hadn't had those kinds of thoughts at all. Ed had gone out with Roy, and Al had been at home, doing whatever he did on a normal day— cook, read, find something to do, and basically wait for Ed to come home so that he could show him how _grateful _he was that he had his body back and give him a sunny smile, that special smile that he reserved for his brother alone. That day, it'd started raining. Alphonse didn't know why, but as the day drew to a close, he suddenly felt weak, helpless. Cold. His brother had come home, calling his name. Alphonse couldn't answer. He had collapsed on the floor. It was the first time he'd felt that bad, and Alphonse had the sinking feeling that it wouldn't be his last.

"Al! Hey, Al, are you okay? Al!"

Alphonse drew a ragged breath and forced a smile. Why had this happened when Ed had come home? Why couldn't it be before/_I don't want to worry Nii-san…/_

"Yeah, I'm okay, Nii-san."

Ed's golden eyes were twisted in fear and worry, and the words did nothing to reassure him. "Al, are you sure? You don't want me to—"

Alphonse brushed his brother's hand away and looked at Ed firmly in the eye. "Nii-san. It's okay. Don't worry."

"It is NOT okay! What if you're coming down with something? What if you're… what if I…"

_/What if I didn't make you right? Is that what he's trying to say/ _Alphonse thought. Edward bit his lip and discontinued his sentence, staring guiltily at the table. At length, Ed attempted to apologize. "I should have stayed with you today instead of going with the stupid Colonel on some—"

"General, Nii-san," Alphonse corrected. "And you're a Colonel yourself. It's okay, Nii-san, really," he soothed as Ed opened his mouth again. "It wouldn't make a difference. I'm fine; you don't have to worry about me. I may be your younger brother, but I can take care of myself."

He staggered to his feet, declining Edward's help, and told him calmly, "Dinner's on the table. I think I'll go to bed early today, Nii-san, if that's alright with you."

Ed closed his mouth and gave him a strained smile, murmuring, "Yeah… you do that, Al."

&

"No… please… don't…"

Alphonse struggled to breath as his brother's voice came again, low and pained. This sound… it _shouldn't _have been Ed's. It _couldn't _be Ed's. Ed didn't sound like that. He was strong, overprotective, stubbornly prideful… he'd never beg anyone like this…

"Al… don't do this! I didn't… mean…"

His name. Ed called his name. A shiver went down his spine. /_He would beg _me _like this/ _What was happening? Alphonse had followed Ed to his work several days after his collapse because his brother had been acting strangely, not eating nearly as much as usual, always asking him if he was alright, and coming home from work late. He had been worried. And now he was eavesdropping through a crack in the door. He couldn't see too well through there, but he could make out outlines.

He heard another voice, exactly like his. "What's the matter, Nii-san? You were the one who made me wrong. Just like," the voice subtly changed and melted into his mother's. "Just like you made _me _wrong."

Alphonse realized what was happening now, but kept quiet outside the door of the Fuhrer's study. Ed couldn't know that he was here. They would both be in jeopardy then. Evidently, his brother had also just realized who the other person really was. Edward's words were edged with venom as he hissed, "Fuck you, Envy."

"It's hard, isn't it?" came Envy's painfully taunting voice. "To know that it's all. Your. Fault. Your fault that your mother turned out a monster. Your fault that your only brother was taken by the gate. Your fault that when he finally came back to life, the thing you called a 'body' really turned out to be just a temporary container to house his poor, broken soul before it breaks down and your dear little brother dies a second death."

/Is that what's been happening? This body really isn't enough to support my soul? Nii-san… Nii-san…? Am I going to die? How can I die when we've only just started a new life together? Nii-san/ Ed's tone for his next words were what could be called contemptuous; Alphonse, however, could hear a slight note of panic in it. "Isn't that why I'm here? Why I got dressed in this ridiculous uniform? I followed your instructions completely. I want to help Al. You said that you could. I'll do anything to make him better… to see his smile again… to feel his warmth…"

"Oh, how touching," Envy sneered, positively dripping with sarcasm. "Yes, we can. But there's always a price… you don't even know what that thing on your skin is."

There was a shifting of objects in the room. Envy purred, "Alright. I'll make this easy. Simply put, it's touka koukan. Your principle of equivalent trade. You join our ranks and we'll fix your little brother, no questions asked."

/Sometimes, you can never pay the price in full. If you go, what will happen to me? Nii-san, you're not a murderer. Don't do this/ Alphonse wanted to cry out, tell his brother that he would rather die than see Ed do something like this, that it wasn't worth it, that it was risky for him to do this without knowing what the homunculus was up to, but Edward had already made his decision. "I don't really have a choice in the matter, do I? Although I wouldn't be caught dead wearing this skirt."

"No, you don't have a choice in the matter. Your will, or your brother's life. We could just let him die and kill you, if you'd prefer that."

"Then why make this deal in the first place? I thought homunculus had no feelings."

Envy's reply was cold, and Alphonse could almost imagine a cruel smile on his pale face. "Maybe you could be of value to us. It doesn't matter. "

/Nii-san… no… what are you doing…/ Alphonse couldn't believe Ed was actually sacrificing himself for him… making this deal with their enemies… he couldn't… he shouldn't have to… he wasn't that important… and yet, somewhere in the back of his mind, he remembered Edward's desperate words to the gate. /"I can give you my arms… my legs… I can even give you my heart… just give him back, he's the only little brother I have/

Edward would do anything for him, and it would be useless for him to interfere. It was better to have a chance than nothing at all. Alphonse swallowed hard as a lump rose in his throat. /Nii-san…/

"So? Get on with it already," snarled Ed.

"Ahh, but you're the one who needs to activate it, o-chibi-san. Or have you forgotten?

Alphonse snapped. What the hell was he thinking? 'It was useless to interfere?' That was a load of crap and he knew it. He wasn't as selfish as that, was he? He had the chance, right then, to save his brother, to protect him like he should have done five years ago, when they'd tried to revive their mother. His brother constantly insinuated that he was the one who forced Alphonse to commit the sin of human transmutation with him, which was completely out of line, because they shared the guilt equally: while it had been Ed's idea to revive their mother, it was Alphonse's fault for not stopping him. Alphonse quite suddenly thought that there wasn't— couldn't be— anyone in the world quite so perfect as this boy who had never given up on him, and he didn't want Edward to change. Ever.

He pushed the door open and demanded, "Nii-san! What are you doing?"

Ed pivoted, eyes wide with shock at Alphonse's intrusion. They were a stunning shade of gold against his lightly tanned skin. Only Edward had eyes like that. Alphonse continued, heatedly, "You're willing to sacrifice your will and become a murderer for me, and you didn't even ask me if it was okay! And it's NOT!"

"How am I supposed to live knowing that you gave up a part of yourself for me and I didn't even do anything? What am I going to do with myself? … How am I supposed to live without you, Nii-san?"

"Alphonse…" came Envy's taunting voice. "What took you so long?"

Edward was wearing the homunculus' trademark black uniform, similar to Envy's. He had an intricate design of red ink worked into his skin. Alphonse didn't have to look twice to know what it was. It was a transmutation circle. On his skin. "Nii-san! What you're doing is permanent! You know that, right?"

Ed smiled softly, telling him, "It's alright. I'll save you."

"'It's alright…?'" Alphonse echoed, expression blank. A second later, his fist had collided with Edward's jaw, and Alphonse sat on top of the older boy, one hand jerking up his stupid, stupid brother's collar and the other shaking, threatening to punch his face in again. "How is it alright? How is it alright that you get taken and I just stand and watch helplessly on the sidelines? I don't want to go through that! Stop being so stubborn, Nii-san!"

Envy cut in, "Sorry to interrupt the love scene, but you have ten seconds to activate the damn thing or I can just kill Elric the younger and call this deal off."

"Ten…"

Alphonse tried to hold his hands apart. Stop him from activating the transmutation.

"Nine…"

Edward thrashed from beneath him. Alphonse yelled in exasperation, "Nii-san!"

"Eight…"

"Al, let me do this! It's okay!"

"Seven…"

"You idiot! Don't risk your life for me!"

"Six…"

Edward had made up his mind, but Alphonse wouldn't let him go. Not this time. Ed tried to push Alphonse off him without success. Alphonse always was taller than Edward. Heavier. Stronger.

"Five…"

"Moron, let go of me!"

"Four…"

Edward clapped his hands together. There was a dull thud of metal colliding with flesh.

"Three…"

Alphonse hissed, "Nii-san! Stop it! Don't do it!"

"Two…"

Edward activated the markings on his skin. Alphonse hadn't let go. He had thrust his hand in the heart of the transmutation circle instead. There was a bright flash of light.

"One…" Envy cocked his head to one side and tried to investigate the transmutation through the virtual smokescreen of energy. This was strange… certainly not what he'd expected. It wasn't in any of their plans. "Well, what do we have here?"

&

The hissing of energy had stopped. Edward groaned, rolling out from beneath his brother. He didn't feel any different. On the contrary, the red ink had disappeared from his skin altogether. That wasn't right… that couldn't be… what had Alphonse done…? What had he done…?

"Al…"

Alphonse hadn't moved. Hadn't said "I told you so, Nii-san" or "Are you alright?" like he was supposed to. "Al? Alphonse! Al…!"

Envy was cackling, slapping his knee with a gloved hand and chortling, "Damn, you piece of shit, that's priceless! Instead of transmuting yourself, you got the one person who was supposed to be saved by this transmutation! Your own brother!"

Edward froze. He tried to avert his eyes, fix them on something, anything but at Alphonse. Couldn't. Tried to get up. Stumbled. Hands wouldn't stop shaking. Envy leaned back in amusement, watching as Ed started to yell Alphonse's name, sobbing in anguish and shaking uncontrollably. "Al… Al!"

Alphonse's eyes were blank, stayed blank even as he got up, with a slow, steady calm that was so very Alphonse and yet foreboding all the same. He was wearing a long-sleeved, collared shirt and denim pants, covering his entire body, but Edward could see streaks of the crimson periphery of the transmutation circle on his neck, his hands. He choked, "Alphonse…!"

Alphonse's slow smile unnerved him. It wasn't the bright, sunny smile he would give Ed when he came home, nor the touched, fond smile Alphonse would show when Ed did something unexpected. It was icy, framing a too-pale face, complementing to his lifeless eyes. His mouth opened slightly and he breathed in a soft voice, "Nii-san."

Hope surged through Ed, and for a moment, he let out a weak laugh, but it quickly died away as Alphonse walked towards Envy, hands groping around, searching for something that Edward knew, with a sinking heart, wasn't him. Envy smirked, asking in a slightly patronizing voice, "Who's your brother? Who's your Nii-san?"

Alphonse stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Envy and smiled that same frozen smile, answering simply, quietly, "You."

In that moment, Edward's heart shattered. "Al-Alphonse… Alphonse… you're… you're not…"

Envy put his hands on his slim hips and told Edward tauntingly, "You brought this on yourself, o-chibi-san. Well, I guess one Elric is as good as another. If you'll excuse me, Alphonse— oh, I meant the new Pride— and I have business to attend to."

He blew Edward a mocking kiss and took Alphonse with him through the open window in the Fuhrer's study. Edward hadn't moved an inch. Silent tears were streaming down his face as he whispered, "Alphonse… you really don't remember me…?"

&

Edward Elric didn't go to work the day after, nor the day after that. By the time he was a week absent, Roy Mustang had decided to pay him a visit. He found Edward brooding in a dark corner of the house. "Fullmetal."

No answer. "Edward. What's wrong?"

No answer again. Roy sighed in exasperation before rubbing his temple, pulling up an abandoned chair, and sitting down with Edward. "Edward. Tell me what's wrong so I can do something about it. You moping around like this isn't going to solve anything…"

It was then that he noticed something lacking. His eyes hardened. "Edward. Where's Alphonse?"

Ed flinched visibly. Roy waited for an answer, and finally, Edward answered dully, "He's… I… Al is… gone…"

"Edward Elric! Have you been doing human transmutation again?"

Edward stared back into his obsidian eyes without fear and answered, "No."

"Then what happened?"

"…"

Roy's patience gave out. "Fullmetal. Tell me what happened. That's an order."

"Screw orders," Ed muttered. "Look here, Colonel."

Edward had forgotten that he was a General again, but Roy didn't comment on it. What Roy needed to hear were more important things than Edward getting the titles correct. "Yes? Go on."

"Alphonse's body was acting up because of something wrong with my previous transmutation. It turned out that it wasn't going to hold out for much longer, so I needed to act fast."

Edward stopped Roy from interrupting before laughing bitterly and continuing, "But I didn't do human transmutation. Wish I had. Then I wouldn't be in this mess. Then he would still remember me…"

"What happened?"

"Homunculus," Edward gasped, giving way to almost manic laughter before tears stifled it and he sat there in that dark corner, chest heaving, short of breath. "Alphonse— is a homunculus. It's funny. After all the shit we've been through— I end up— screwing up again— isn't that funny?"

"Come on, Edward," Roy murmured. He had a faint idea of what Edward was going through, with Ed having spent five years with a body-less Al and knowing it was all his fault, and then having to give him up mere months after he succeeded in getting his body back. He knew he couldn't comprehend the pain, the suffering, the absolute hell Edward had gone through but he knew that Edward was in a delicate state and that suicide wouldn't be too farfetched an idea to him right then.

"And then," Edward laughed, still crying, still sobbing, but struggling to get the false, insane laughter out. He had completely ignored Roy. "And then you know what? The first thing he said— was 'Nii-san.' Isn't that ironic? 'cept it was to Envy, not me! Isn't that— isn't that— just so— fitting?"

Edward's sobbing laughter died out and the tears were all that were left. He ended it quietly. "I did succeed in one thing. He's not suffering anymore. All because I fucked up. He doesn't remember me. He's not suffering."

He forced a smile and the tears went right on, pouring out of his golden eyes as he whimpered, "I had it coming, I had it coming so bad. It's all my fault. Everything that we've been through, it's all my fault. I deserve this. I deserve every fucking bit of the hell I'd experienced. I screwed up again…"

Roy caught Edward up in an awkward, full-bodied embrace and he sobbed into his coat. "Shh," Roy soothed, "It's alright… Edward… it's not your fault…"

"Shut up," Edward screamed, voice muffled through Roy's coat. "Shut up, you don't know what the hell it's all about, all you know are some stupid facts, you never knew him, you never knew us…"

Roy didn't react, merely held Edward tighter until his sobs died down and his hands stopped shaking. Edward hiccupped, "He was… always smiling. He was like my other half… my better half… Even when we were kids… you know, he once said he didn't need a teddy bear 'cause he had me… Even when he didn't have a body, he knew how to calm me down. His presence alone could do that… he was always there… and it's… now, he's just gone… and it's my fault… again…"

"But the worst part is, I know that I'll have to kill him if I ever meet him again. And I just can't do it, you know? I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it… because… even though he's not Alphonse anymore… it's still his body. The body we'd worked so hard to get… with him functioning only on the soul I'd worked so hard to save…"

Roy sifted his hand through Edward's long, unkempt blond hair. It was obvious that he hadn't been taking care of himself. Edward was talked out, and even if he'd wanted to say more, Roy had heard enough. The rest, the Elrics— Edward— could keep to himself. He had the right to it. "Edward… come. Let's get you cleaned up."

Edward had managed to talk about most of the things on his mind. That was good. It was one step towards recovery, towards helping him find himself again. But it would be harder this time. This time, he didn't have Alphonse's help.

&

They were on a balcony on Lior. Pride settled himself more comfortably against the circular wall, awaiting orders. "Nii-san?"

Envy was still smug in the fact that the damn Fullmetal brat was finally broken. "What is it, Pride?"

"When will that person come?"

"Soon, Pride. Soon."

He sat there, watching the sunset, with faint memories flickering into view. He was watching the same sun with another person… he almost recognized him… but when he turned to see his face, it would blur. Who was he? Where had he come from? Why was he in Pride's memories? He was sure he'd seen him before… when he was first born from the circle. A voice called out his name, interrupting his thoughts.

"Pride."

He got up, brushing dust off his bare legs and standing at attention.

"I am here."

&

.:Owari:.

&

A/N: This was supposed to be my submission to the BlueBird's Illusion contest on LiveJournal where you could win a BBI game… but I was a day late, so I couldn't submit it. It makes a nice, angst story though. The challenge was to put in the words "table", "skirt", and "teddy bear," in an angst fic based on the BBI storyline, which, as you can see, I have. But I was too late… ah, well… this is somewhat similar to my other one based on Cofee's Doujinshi, Vengeance.

Slight RoyEd implications and very slight Elricest. I wanted EnvyEd (my fave pairing) in there but it wouldn't fit.

PS: This is a one-shot, there will not beanother chapter/a sequalunless there is enough begging. This is also quite possibly the longest one-shot I've ever written. Ten pages. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but it is for me,right now.

Review!


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